things we think to ourselves.

Today is the 15th of March - a date that means nothing to no one but me. (Unless of course it's your birthday or something like that then I suppose it'd mean something to you too.)

Three years ago today, I went on an adventure with Ching and two others that we had only just met and I can safely say that life hasn't been the same ever since. I suppose none of those three remember today (unless I tell them, of course, but even then I don't think they'd think much of it) but to me, it means so much. Equally as much as the 14th of March! (It's an 18-hour long story.)

Anyway, fast forward three years and I suddenly feel life changing again - and not in a good way. I keep looking for distractions but thoughts never seem to run elsewhere and I am perpetually paranoid. It's not fun at all.

So I've been thinking. A LOT.
And aside from that constant black cloud of paranoia, I've come to realise a bunch of things:

1. Lots of musicians have lots of tattoos cause when you're cooped up at home (or your studio) all day and are desperately trying to churn out ideas, you're bound to feel uninspired at some point or get distracted or something like that, so your idle mind drifts off and thinks of other things. But musicians, being creative and artistically inclined as they usually are, don't think of ways to ruin the world, but instead think of what tattoos they should get next. Some Chinese grandpeople would probably just say they're "too free".

But that's just a theory, not necessarily the real reason they're covered in tattoos. Maybe it's just cause they think it's true.



2. People are annoyingly self-centred. Especially urban folk. I don't know why it took me so long to notice.

I mean, I know *I* am self-absorbed, but that's never been a secret. The annoying self-centred people are the ones who don't realise they're self-centred! Also, if you think about the people you know, the self-centred idiots in denial are childish and immature. (I'm childish and immature too but that's different.)



3. There's no point yelling at a TV saying "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!!" cause the characters are gonna end up doing dumb psycho self-destructive things anyway. If they didn't, there'd be no story and the Korean drama industry would crumble into nothing.



4. It's hard to survive without a laptop. This is me typing stuff out on my phone, that's still on iOS 4.0.3 or something (haven't updated it since I got it in 2010).



5. I'm not sure people genuinely listen to their radios. I haven't been on-air since the 2nd of march, but the same peeps tweet me every day and only a handful of people have asked me where I've been. So it's either most people are attentive and read my tweets about being home sick, or they really don't give a crap (which is a scary, depressing thought).



6. I think I'm going mad from all this thinking.

maybe.

already up the wall.

I feel like a prisoner on death row just waiting for my turn in the electric chair.

Eleven hours to go...

need more nick hornby.

your own disaster.

i need another holiday.

Remember what I said about not deserving to be upset? Now I wish my brain would accept that and it'd sink right in.

It's 3:25am on a Saturday night. I should be out dancing the night away - not sitting in my room and crying.

Edit:
Doesn't help that I feel like I've sold my soul to the devil. Can't even go on an angry tweet rant without having my boss text multiple times then call just to ask what the hell is going on and telling me to "sort that sh!t out". No peace for the depressed. Look, don't you think I want to be happy and for things to be back to normal?

fate fell short. again.

Ever felt as if you didn't deserve to feel upset or disappointed or heartbroken? Almost as if all the other good things that happen in your life should make up for all the ish that happens.

Maybe that's what happens to celebrities. maybe that's how Dita von Teese puts up with her 24-year-old doppelgänger (although, her new man does look a lot cleaner than Brian ever did). Maybe that's why you don't see pictures of Katy Perry bawling her eyes out in all the tabloids.

But think about it: if you're reading this, then chances are you've got a roof over your head, a proper supply of clean water and, obviously, access to the world wide web. You have not been denied proper education (because I'm assuming you can read, and hence, can also write) and despite whatever opinions you may have of your government, at least you don't have to worry about accidentally stepping on landmines.

So really, what have you got to feel upset about? Pet died? Parents getting a divorce? Bad grades? Crush didn't reply your text? Sure, when those things happen - it's the end of the world! Don't worry about the rising water levels! Nevermind about adorably murdered baby seals!

More seriously though, the lesson is and forever will be:

Always count your blessings.

You might need to take a while to think about it, but I'm sure they're there. You could be the type of person who's constantly winning movie tickets from radio stations, or maybe you got the highest mark for History in your class. Perhaps you've got a mom who bakes the best cookies in the world, and better yet! You've got a crazy metabolic rate so you can eat all those cookies without ever getting fat!

Maybe your blessings are even less obvious. Maybe you finally got your period after days of panicking (hi L! I blogged about you!) or maybe your broken bones have finally healed and you can take that annoying cast off.

Maybe you're driving the last car in a six-car accident and all you got was a scratch on your front bumper instead of being murdered in the middle.

With so much to feel thankful for, what could possibly be enough to justify all that stupid crying? Why should you, of all people, be allowed to wallow in self-pity?

So it doesn't matter whatever it is that's bothering you, if there truly is something that's bothering you - just watch some TV, listen to happy songs (avoid Damien Rice at all costs!) and find a distraction.

Write empty musings at 6am. Start digging for dinosaurs. Do whatever.
Just stop thinking about yourself.
You unappreciative piece of shit.