Living in a cloud.

2009-11-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

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I was at an all time low on a day to remember
so you are taking back sunday
to bring me to the mayday parade.
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2009-11-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Somebody,
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Pretty please...

2009-11-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

My Life is Over

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Buddhism teaches you impermanence - that everything can and will come to an eventual end and so we should not be attached to material things. I'm not exactly a model buddhist - God knows how many slip ups I've made, how many intentional sins, how I knowingly find myself in some of the dodgiest situations - but for a while, I never thought I was truly attached to anything that seriously. I've always been a hoarder, yes, but in recent months I have found myself being able to let of things relatively easily. I thought that I was (almost) completely free of materialistic needs.
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That is, until I lost my wallet.
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They say never put all your eggs in one basket, but one could argue that you must carry with you the things you need. How can you expect me to walk around without ID (the one with the picture of me when I was twelve looking almost exactly the same way I do today), my drivers licence, and student card. And let's say I go shopping, am I supposed to leave behind my Roxy card, the Popular Bookstore card and my mother's Jusco card (to get 10% off at Starbucks and Kim Gary)? What about when I'm feeling adventurous and want to go rock climbing - I can't just leave my Certified Belayer card at home, now can I? Let's not forget when I go to Snowflake or buy bubble tea - gotta get those frequent customer cards stamped to get my eventual free beverage. And what do I do when I meet people and they give me a contact card? Do I say "no thank you, there's no space in my purse for you"? When I need to ride the train, do I wait for hours in line to buy a ticket or do I just bring along my Touch n' Go? Oh, and I was supposed to get my new CDL so there were also passport photos of me in there. And let's not forget the main reason I need a wallet - to carry around CASH. Dollar bills, coins, ATM card.
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The wallet itself was filled with sentimental value. Silver with a matte shine. It took me weeks to decide whether or not to spare the money to buy it and I waited months before I dared taint it's cleanliness with dirty cash.
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Gone gone gone.

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I was bloody reluctant to make a police report at first - to me it was as if it really meant that I had to admit defeat to the Cosmic Powers of Godknowswhat and convince myself that my wallet was gone.
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I'm really hoping it will show up. I cannot believe that someone as paranoid as I am - constantly feeling around my bag to see if everything's there, trying to open ever car door even after I've locked it to make sure that nothing gets in or out of there unless I allow it - can lose something that valueable.
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So please, to the stranger that might have found my wallet or to the bastard who might have stolen it, keep the cash if you like - there isn't much, but send me back my important things.
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2009-11-01T09:43:00.000-08:00

Then there'd be no problem, dammit.

2009-10-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

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TONIGHT
we rule the world
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2009-10-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

Spot Me!
I'm the screwball!
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2009-10-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

Wiggin' Out
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No idea who the wig belongs to.
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No idea who the dude standing next to me in the first pic is.
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No idea why we decided to do this.
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Only know we had fun!

2009-10-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Boywhotugsmyheartstrings,
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There are many mornings, or rather, most mornings, when I lie in bed desperately keeping my eyes closed. It's not that I want not to bid the day. No, I have no reason to fear it. I just want to dream about you a little more - be with you a little longer.
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As the dim hues of red seep into sight, I shy away from the thought of day and bury myself further under the sheets.
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Curled up and safe by my pillow, I lie there alone, and yet, not. For a blissful hour, I feel your soft breath on my neck, arm over mine. You wiggle your toes in between mine to keep me warm. Your scruffy legs tickle the back of my calves.
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Even before you touch me, I know how this will end. It's like a story played on loop. Although within moments , I will lose you to the rolling credits, as you've done before, as you will, I know that tomorrow you will once again hold me close and for a moment, however brief, I will be floating on air.
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I love you.
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2009-10-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

On the Car
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Sitting on car hoods while the vehicle is in motion is a cheap thrill. It started with the mini blue baby where I'd get quick rides to the gate and sometimes around the car park. But that was a while back. Eventually the blue baby left me and I was forced to get rides from other cars. It's sad, I know (and from the way I've written this, it makes me sound like a car hood whore - wtf?).
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There's something about watching the world blur around you with the wind keeping your hair back. It's like you're flying, and yet, you're not.
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Of course, who you ride the car with also makes a world of a difference.

<3 ..

2009-10-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Boywhosayshemissesme,
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I both hate and love how you send me messages in the middle of the night (or rather, wee hours of the morning. I wonder if it's because you assume I am awake and am clutching my phone, just like how I was at the beginning, but no. These days, I try to avoid all forms of communication past 2am.
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It's frustrating how I don't read your messages till hours later, sometimes longer than half a day and after I do reply, In need to wait hours, sometimes days till I hear from you again. Nothing's instant and modern technology becomes seemingly redundant. I might as well write you letters that go on and on for pages and you can do the same and I'll read what you have to say in a fortnight.
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But, as always, I over think things and have come up with a happy thought:
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In the dead of the night, when I am in my bed dreaming of you, you're thinking of me too. <3

2009-10-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

When did you get old?
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Happy 21st Birthday,
Bitch.
Love youuuuuu <3

2009-10-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hi, Friend. You suck.
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Nicholas : Love is a choice.

Jay Dee : No, it isn't.

Nicholas : It is!

Jay Dee : If love is a choice, why is it so hard for you to get over ****?

Nicholas : Shut up.
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2009-10-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

I don't particularly want to,
but I guess I'll...
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I love you.

2009-10-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

This poem isn't poetic.
It just rhymes.

I wish I never loved you,
I wish I didn't care;
I wish it didn't hurt so much
Whenever you're not there.

I wish I never said I did,
I wish you never knew;
I wish you never had the chance
To make me feel this blue.

I wish I could forget your face,
I wish I forgot your scent;
I wish I'd notice sooner that
You were never heaven sent.

I wish you never held me close,
I wish you never came;
I wish I could accept the fact
That everything is the same.

3:06 am
17 October 2009

Heartstring fans, guess who's making a comeback..

2009-10-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Somebody,
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2009-10-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Somebody,
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<3

2009-10-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

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Stop being so paranoid!
M
3 October 2009
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2009-10-02T03:52:00.000-07:00

I've never said this out loud before, but I've thought it for years - when I turn 30, I want to be exactly like Niki Cheong. I say this in the least creepy way I possibly can. And, Niki, no, I'm not trying to butter you up (too much).
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I have come across many people, adults and peers, that seem so sure of themselves, but I hardly know anyone who can go beyond that. It takes more than confidence to impress me and Niki is one of those people.
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Niki first caught my eye back when I was fifteen. No, I was not lusting over him and no, I didn't have a crush, I just thought that he was well, hot. And what shocked me even more was that he was in fact, a guy. When i first heard the name Niki Cheong, I imagined some chic, twiggy girl with cute round glasses. (You can tell that I never read his column back then.) Boy, ~~am I~~ was I an idiot.
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At seventeen, I began my internship at Youth Desk and once again, I found myself in awe of (and intimidated by) my new boss. He had the style and demeanour of your new-age yuppy - think of the fedora! Niki had everything I hoped to eventually have. He basked in the rush of his glamorous social life, enjoyed the seemingly infinite perks of his profession, flaunted his charm under the bright lights of the theatre and wrote with such fludity and ease. Let's not forget that killer poster boy smile. He seemed to have it all together and it showed. It was in the way he spoke, the way he walked. With the slightest change in his expression, the most inconspicuous move of his brow, and you could feel the world shift.
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And then, there was that day he caught me off-guard.
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I dug this up from my old blog. I was fresh out of secondary school and the writing back then was even worse than it is today.
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"I have the coolest job ever.

Well, no. Actually, I don't. It gets pretty boring and crappy and troublesome and tiring and all that other bull so, no, it's not the coolest job ever.

But I have the coolest boss!

His name is Niki Cheong. Asst Editor at Youth Desk. Strict. Makes me apply for leave for him. Makes me deliver cookies to the Pak Guard. Makes me sort out 5000 jumbled copies of old newspaper according to date. Makes me run to the next building just to buy blue tack (of which I haven't done). Makes me look through the 5000 copies of newspaper just to find one specific issue. Makes me smile at people even when I feel like chasing them out of my workspace with a broom.

And then there was a yelling. One big helluva yelling. Ouch.

And then I quietly go back to my place. Phui Yee (another writer) sends me a text msg asking if I'm okay.

As it was, I was already thinking that that was so fricking cool. I've never had a "senior" being that sweet to me. (I'm thinking about all the bitches from Starbucks Sunway Pyramid)

Then Niki comes. Oh shit.

Then Niki says, "I'm sorry for yelling."

Say whattttttttt?!?!?"
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For years, I've always had this impression that Niki was, well, not exactly fond of me. I'll admit that ~~I've always been~~ I used to be such an immature and irritating prat, but for the life of me, I could never figure out when and how I could have offended him. What bothered me even more was that he was someone I looked up to and admired and so for months, I felt small and insignificant (and trust me, hardly anyone can crush my ego that badly).
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I don't know if this is going to sound strange, or if in fact it's not peculiar at all, but its usually the people that are always putting me down, even unintentionally or obliviously, that I try to impress the most. It's not a question about feeling important and vindicated. No. It's just that for some reason, the longing to improve and impress seems to grow. The desire and willingness to learn from this person, as if he or she were a mentor, just bursts out of proportion. Think of it the same way as if you have a mother that never praises. That's how it feels.
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Suddenly, I find that Niki's opinion means more than everyone else's - especially those who have been showered me with compliments thinking that they have been encouraging (not that I appreciate it, though!).
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Every compliment I've ever gotten from Niki (however few there may be) has sent the boost in my self-esteem skyroketting and as corny as this may sound, I still remember and cherish every one of them. For some reason, his
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To this day, I don't consider us "friends" - especially since I feel so insecure around him (this feeling really troubles me, Niki!) and have just written this creepy, stalkerfied post. Will we ever be? Que será será...
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So thank you, Niki, for being hard on me and teaching me to eat humble pie. Thank you for putting up with and editing my poorly written articles and thanks for being the best boss I've ever had (so far).
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I hope you have a fantastic year and a fulfilling life.
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Happy birthday.
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P/S - I hope this makes uip for that bad coverline I made on your birthday. (=^.^=)
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2009-09-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

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It's 4 in the morning, M.
And I can't sleep cause I can't stop thinking about you.
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2009-09-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Written on 21 September 2009

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Dear Boywhosbusyagain,
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I haven't thought about you all day. Which is strange because you have haunted my dreams and occupied my every thought for the last six months. You're an unhealthy obsession - almost as bad as smoking. (Which actually is something you do, but that's alright.)
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There have been others, of course, but at the end of the day, you're the one I spend every waking moment thinking about. Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure why I'm that crazy about you to begin with. My reasons are unbelievably shallow and I'm not even talking about being in a relationship with you - they're silly reasons even for a mere crush.
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But today I was woken up by a different voice - one more familiar and comforting. One I've known for years. One more realistic. One with more substance and potential. One that actually belongs here in the Klang Valley - not practically 1500 miles away.
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It was a nice change, to be honest. It was something I could get used to.
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Before I fall asleep, right here and right now, I think about giving up on you. I want to put you in that big wooden chest at the back of my mind, and take you out only when I'm old and wrinkly. Hopefully by then the memories I have of you would've disintegrated into dust and I will never feel this hopeless and disappointed again.

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Why is love intensified by absence?

Audrey Niffenegger
The Time Traveler's Wife

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But that all changed in a matter of days...

2009-09-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

Yellow, Purple!
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I mean, Hello, People!
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2009-09-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

STPM BLEH MAMPOS AER
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2009-09-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

Nineteen.

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I've finally gotten round to writing this. I know I'm one and a half weeks late - but there was so much going on! So here it is.
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Meet Lasso. I think it looks like a pony. Nicky and Wei Keong said it a giraffe. So my sis says it's a 'gipony'. So meet Lasso, my new gipony. <3
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Lasso is a gift from May and Nicholas, who've been my friends since kindy.
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Thursday
3 September 2009

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With Chuen, Sha, Eli and Prabu in my car, we headed to Alamanda, Putrajaya just to meet Hazri. Talk about FAR! But that just tells you how much we love him. On the way there, I actually missed the turning and had to reverse about one and a half kilometres just to get back to make the right turning. That's how we roll....
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Of course, you can't meet up with old friends and not reminisce on some of the crazy shit we used to do. We talked about the people we would make fun of back in school and Sha reminded me, and everyone else, of the time we went shopping for prom and at the shoe store, I sat down to try on a pair and she had to tell me "Jade, you're sitting on some kid." I actually sat on that kid's face and he didn't even react. Gah.
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After having McDonalds for dinner (yeaaaah. we went that far just for McD) we found ourselves sitting by the lake in front of the Prime Minister's office just talking about ridiculous racist jokes and our distorted love lives.
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After dropping G back to his hostel in Bangi, we almost found ourselves lost on the way home to Subang. Hooray for midnight road trippin'! <3

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Friday
4 September 2009

I decided to invite a few friends over to just well, chill - watch some tv, talk some nonsense, eat some pizza - and we did just that. I actually had to go to Aina's house, knock on the door (their doorbell wasn't working) to invite her to come over and I still didn't take a picture with her! Oh well. When the audio for the DVD player wouldn't work, we ended up watching a shitload of MTV and after Aina, Mushroom and Linet left, Wei Wen (who was oh so fashionably late) started banging around on my piano and strumming my guitar and well, he was amazing. Ching and I just watched in complete awe. My mom was so impressed, she kept telling me how sinful it is that he didn't have any formal piano/guitar lessons and tried to make me feel guilty for all that money she spent on my decade-long education. Oh well.
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Oh, and Wei Wen actually remembered that my favourite song was Iris. Even I didn't know that. Haha. <3
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Saturday
5 September 2009
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The girls took me out for a girly night out. Yes, I do realise how ridiculous that just sounded. Anyawy, dinner with Ching, Choo, Crystal, Cheryl and Kelly (plus me = CCCCKJ!) at Delicious in Bangsar Village Mall II. It was filled with gossip, gossip, gossip, and a very filling chocolate brownie (with ice cream!).
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It was really sweet and really fun and the food was good!
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Crystal actually acted spontaneously by yelling "Happy Birthday Jay Dee!!!" in the empty mall.
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I was surprised. And overdressed.

When we got back to Subang, Tal, Choo and Ching stayed with me next to my neighbourhood playground (can you believe it was locked up!?) to drink and count down to my birthday. <3
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Saturday Part II
(or should I already say Sunday?)
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It rained. I don't know if you can see it in the picture, but it did. Very heavily, I might add.
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And at 1.30am, after being missing for months, Vincent Chua came over for a chat on my patio as we watched the rain.
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No present, but him being there, despite having to leave practice half an hour early, was sweet enough. <3

On his way home (at about 3am), he bought me credit so I could get myself my own birthday present: A long-distance phone call.

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Sunday
6 September 2009

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And today was the day!!!
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After hours of practice with KLDC, we headed to Hartamas Square to "buka puasa". Not for Ching and I, of course. For us, it was just dinner. Hehe.
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Meet Miera and Ajiq. The cutest couple ever!!! Ajiq is like a big brother to me and Miera's the sweetest thing ever. <3

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Meet the other couple. Less cute and less sweet and less friendly.

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And meet the President and Vice President of KLDC drumgeeks! That's Ben (yes, Ben is a girl) and that's Gigi/Syed/Kasud. Ben's this rocker chick who can do anything and Gigi (who can also do everything) is

the most thoughtful person in the world.

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This is Kwe. His name is Ikhwan. His buff chest is most fun to hit on with drumsticks. He makes funny faces.
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Meet Jo. Jo is Mr. Know-it-all. (Mashitlay is Mr. THINKS-he-knows-it all. Jo really is Mr. Know-it-all). His words of wisdom are much appreciated and he sure is funny (only when he's not making fun of me).
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So I said Gigi is the most thoughtful person in the world, right?
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Well the thing is, none of them had any presents for me (they all wished me happy birthday and I wasn't actually expecting anything anyway) but they did have dinner with me at Hartamas Square and so yeah, that's what we did. After everyone had finished eating, Gigi asked "are you full?" and I said, "no. Not really." and we all just continued chatting. After a while Gigi said "I wanna go smoke," which was weird cause he could've just enjoyed his fag in front of us. After a while, he came back with this!:
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It even had a candle and everything! He'd PLANNED it! It also had chocolate chips in it!
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I was so preoccupied with trying to take pictures of the cupcake that the wind decided to blow my candle for me. Boo.
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So we had to light it up again and then they sang me a song. :)

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I made a wish and out went the candle (by myself, this time).
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Sunday Part II
Home with mom and Jazz.

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It was an Oreo cheesecake from CakeSense and it was totally yum!
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Tim actually called to wish me while I was at home and was all like "what're you doing home so early on your birthday?! You should be out!" but I had to spend my major cake cutting session with my mommy. It's tradition.
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Only yesterday did I realise that mom isn't in any of the pictures (and I was only in like, 2?) cause we were paying too much attention to the cake. Oh well. C'est la vie.
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So this is me, on my nineteenth birthday. Another year older.

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And this is me, on my eighth birthday, eleven years ago, with yet another cheescake. And with the same long hair. With the same kiddy grin. With the same T-shirt.
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Have I changed much?

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Thanks, everyone for the 126 Facebook wishes, 25 SMS wishes, I-lost-count birthday calls, and I-forgot-to-count live wishes and the pressies!
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Oh, and if you promised to take me out but still haven't it's not too late!
*hint hint certain someones*

xoxo

2009-09-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Susu.
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We miss you!!!
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Wong Su Lian
20 April 1990 - 15 September 2008
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2009-09-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

Eat Me!
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